Letitia age: 20

A Guide To Living With Women

by T. J. Sampson

What do women want? A good question when Sigmund Freud first posed it, a good question now and probably a good question a thousand years from now, when aliens have overrun the earth. To discover what women want, we first need to understand them thoroughly. Comprehending women's habits, needs and desires, and the difference between a dress and a skirt, is really the key to a man's peace of mind and better relations for all. Easy, right? Here's what I know for sure: Women are not the opposite sex, they are a whole other species. And that's it. Goodnight folks.

OK, let's not give up so easily. Unfortunately, women are pretty much a mystery to me, which at least makes my obsession with them justifiable. The sight of a pretty woman makes me want to make dinner reservations. I may be a guy's guy, but I can't take a man on a date and get away with it. Because I often talk about women as if I know what I'm talking about, I am occasionally asked by strangers what a man should look for in a gal. The answer is easy; breath.

She should be alive. Right away you'll be ahead of the game. And once you've established the presence of her vital signs, you can take your time looking deeper into the abyss. Trust me, it's an abyss. But don't take too long. Women hate to be kept waiting. Before you understand women other than your mom or sisters--and remember, to other guys they're women, too--you have to meet them. If you're a guy on the go, the women you want to meet are usually the ones you want to date. OK, have sex with. These women are the hardest to understand, and they don't try to make it any easier, even though they want to meet and understand you--well maybe not you, bonehead--as badly as you want to meet and understand them. Wouldn't it be great if you could just be honest with a woman you find attractive and say, "Hi, I'm Bob. You're very attractive. Want to go home and rut like weasels?"

Unfortunately, this approach hasn't worked in the general population since the late Sixties. Also, your name has to be Bob. You have to look for a woman who wants to meet you. But how will you know? The way to tell is to study your courting cues. These all-important signals are the only way you can ascertain if the woman you're slavering at wants you to come over and talk, or if she wants you to douse yourself with lighter fluid and strike a match. While she sips Chablis.

The first sign is usually eye contact. Make sure, however, that she isn't looking at the guy behind you. Make sure you're not looking at the guy behind you. Other signals are the hair toss, the lip lick, the earlobe pull and the hand on your leg. If a strange but attractive woman suddenly starts undressing in front of you while licking her lips, tossing her hair, pulling her earlobe and touching your leg, it's a pretty safe bet she's interested in you, or working her way through school.

The following are not female courting cues: when she's sucking on her own elbow, scratching any- place or adjusting her underpants. I learned almost everything I know about women by being friends with them. I also took feminist courses. I'd always stick up for a woman's point of view. My wife once invited me to hang out with her and her girlfriends one night when they all went out and got crazy. I guess I just looked forlorn at the prospect of another night of beer and TV sports. About four hours into the evening, the girls got comfortable with me around. They dropped their "He's a man" shield and realized I was a person--just like them, only with chest hair. I was actually interested in what they were saying. I wasn't trying to dominate the conversation like a man. I was also outnumbered--so I was quiet. I said things like, "God, that's horrible" and "I understand how you feel" and "He's a putz. Dump him." I crossed my legs and kept my skirt tight around my knees. Once I started doing that honestly, they accepted me. I was part of the girls' group. I was giggling. When they went to the bathroom, I wanted to go with them. Of course, the big question is, Did any of this (before marriage) help me "get some?'" Nope. Even though friendship is ultimately the best basis for a relationship, it's always tough to convert the situation into something more romantic later.

"I don't want to ruin our friendship" is what a woman will say, meaning that she has never really found you attractive, or that you never ignored her enough for her to build up such an intense insecurity over wondering why that she had to fall in love with you to find out. Along with "You're just like a brother to me" and "Gee, that's terribly misshapen," the friendship excuse is among the most painful sentences a man can hear.

You can respond: "We will always be friends. Trust me." Then dive in for a kiss anyway. But she knows better. Once you're cast as a friend, women have many ways of making you feel like slime for even considering defiling that chaste closeness for a little sex. After all, compared with true and lasting friensship, what is sex? It's what you're after, stupid.

Looking back at some of the women I was simply close friends with, I realize that those relationships probably brought out the best in me. I could be myself. I got in touch with my sensitive nature. I experienced sympathetic bloating. I also wish I had taken a shot at changing things. I can't help it. I'm a guy.

Women really like it when you're a man, though. It's tough to have a woman go for you if you don't show some generalized masculine traits. Assertiveness, decision making, protectiveness, nurturing. A man has to give a woman the impression that he might stand up for her and take care of her. Might is the operative word. Women are big on the idea of hope.

While we're trying to hard to understand women, it would help if they exerted a little effort on our behalf. This might come in handy when they need our undivided attention--which seems to be most of the time. Women: Grab your pencils. This one's for you.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise. Once you're past the initial "What the hell are you doing?" or the more subtle "You make a better door than a window," he'll start to break down.

"Come on honey. Really, honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, OK? I'm listening!"

You will not doubt increase your odds if you're showing some leg, and you had better know the guy pretty well before you do this. Otherwise there are questions to answer first, like, "Who the hell are you and how did you get into my house?"

Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with his car. adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove one tool and hide it somewhere special. Believe me, within a day, he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared, though. He will be cranky. When you finally get him to look you in the eye, you might even be able to get the guy to talk about his feelings. "Honey, I'd feel really great if you would move out of the way. I can't see the television.

Innocent flirting is a way of expressing desire without actually doing anything about it. As such, it is one of our most genteel sports, not to mention low in fat and easily digestible. I know that because when I was young I was a pretty accomplished flirt. I figured that flirting was about as far as I was going to get, since I had such a horrible complexion. Even if you're ugly, you can be a good flirt. And flirting is safe because it is impossible to pin down. It's non-committal. No one can ever be positively sure it's taking place.

"I don't know. I think she was flirting. Yeah, that was definitely flirting. I mean, I think it was."

One thing to remember: There's a big difference between flirting and actually hitting on someone. Flirting is like dancing around the subject. Hitting on a woman is like stepping on her toes. In other words, you're hitting on a woman until she flirts back. Flirting has to go two ways. A woman has to realize what you're doing and give you the raised eyebrow and the welcoming smile. To have successfully flirted means you haven't annoyed or offended anybody.

The opposite of flirting is being in love but saying nothing at all. This is not to be confused with being too cool for your own good. Silence has it's complications. When I was in college, all I did was daydream about women. I fell in love from a distance more times than I can remember. It's easy. Plus, you can attach all sorts of personal qualities to the woman without ever being disappointed. I fell so hard for one woman in college that I decided to follow her home. Just to, uh, make sure what dorm she was in. All that year I watched her. I wandered by her building just hoping to catch one look. I knew her class schedule. I knew where she worked. The whole time I followed her my body was filled with a wonderful anxiety. But it wasn't enough. I was also trying to figure out a way to casually meet her, which meant that eventually I would have to step in front of her and say hello.

Looking back, it was probably a good thing I always chickened out, because I'd kept my obsession bottled up for so long that I would have blurted out everything I'd been thinking for a year, things a casual stranger shouldn't know. "I love your car, your house and, by the way, where did you get those crystal doves on your dressing table?"

Eventually you find a woman you want to date. Now comes the hard part. What's the proper attitude to take? If what you're after is a woman's undivided attention, give her none. You can wait out any woman. don't make any moves. don't show your hand. On the other hand, you can give a woman too much. I once tried just laying my cards on the table. I went to a club, saw a woman, walked right up and told her what I wanted. I had been reading The Hite Report and was eager to test out all I'd learned. She was speechless, and I figured I'd blown my chance. But then she said, to my total surprise, "No one's ever come on to me like that. Let's go to my place."

We made love. We made love again. We ate Mexican-style TV dinners. We slept fitfully. Two nights later she took me to her parents' house for dinner. I should have seen the signs. Because of my audacious approach, the poor woman thought I was hopelessly in love with her and ready to pop the question. I was scared to death. Her father was really, really big. The only question I wanted to pop was, "Is there a back door?"

When a guy thinks he's going to get lucky, euphoria sets in. then he wants to stay at the party, get drunk with his buddies and see who else falls prety to his immeasurable charm. Unfortunately, being so self-centered and greedy often causes a guy to miss his opportunities. His intended gets drunk, too, and instead of going when the going is good, he waits too long and then her mood takes a turn. this is more commonly known as a woman changing her mind.

How a woman changes her mind is difficult to understand. All I know is that it happens at the speed of light, without warning. Unlike men--who wouldn't have the nerve to try this unsupervised--women have an absolute right to change their minds. A man must respect it, no matter how swollen his glands have become.

"But Sherry, baby, you said this is what you wanted."

"Well, it's not what I want now. It's what I wanted a little bit ago, but it's not what I want now." It's all timing with a woman. "But we already made an agreement. I'm already in lovemaking mode. I can't stop now. And you're obviously excited and---"

"No, I'm going home."

"You can't go home."

And now you're begging, which is so very unattractive. Once you beg you have lost her respect and you'll never get any. Once you beg you're in puppy-dog mode, and the last thing you will get is the bone. That's why it's good if a girl has roommates.

Some guys think they're getting lucky when a woman tells them she wants to sleep with them. Usually, when a woman is that straightforward, a distressing surprise is just around the corner.

"When I said I wanted us to sleep together, I really meant sleep." Another sentence from hell.

I tried just sleeping with a woman once, but it didn't work. We did not sleep. She slept. I was awake. Staring at the ceiling. Counting the holes in the acoustic tile. After some heavy making out and what I thought was an ironclad agreement to have sex, I couldn't stop wondering what she suddenly meant by, "I think our friendship is worth too much for this."

Women are always asking men, "How do I look in this?" Any answer will be the wrong answer, especially no answer. Silence is truly deadly. When you hear the question, it's already too late to run away. The guillotine blade has dropped, and your head is already in the basket.

I have a question: Do women really think men can say something they'll want to hear? Or is this question analogous to boys' pulling legs off spiders? That said, try to say something nice. Deep down, women will appreciate that you're at least paying attention.

Visual tip: Before answering, tilt your head slightly to one side, take a deep breath through your nose and, as you exhale, let a sigh slowly transform into a warm smile. The results are amazing and often overshadow any words you might mumble. Be sure to first practice this in the mirror. Avoid the classic quizzical dog-head tilt at all costs.

I once watched a relationship end because the guy didn't understand this. His girlfriend came out of the bedroom wearing an incredible red cashmere sweater. Her hair was magnificent. She was so lovely I almost fell down. They say women dress for themselves, but clearly she was trying to impress him. But this guy just looked at her and said, "You got any beer?" The look on her face. Her spirits plummeted. She didn't even ask how she looked. "You look really great," I said stepping up to the plate. Sensitive man that I am, I had spotted the problem immediately and wanted to cheer her up. My reward was a gorgeous smile, half a lip lick and eyes that looked at me in a new way. Later, when she'd finally dumped her putz boyfriend, she asked me straight out if I wanted to sleep with her. I declined. I wasn't going to fall for that routine. She insisted, I resisted. She demanded. I gave in. Do you know there are 3,200,629 holes in an acoustic tile ceiling?

Sadly, I've probably ignored how my wife dresses a million times without thinking about it. So now I try to remember that when I'm thinking she's pretty, I should tell her she's pretty. Guys, don't be lazy about that. If she looks wonderful right now, you should say, "You look wonderful right now." But be careful, because she's liable to say, "Right now? What the hell does that mean?"

Another rule to remember is never to comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words large or size with rear end. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. What are you going to say?

"Your butt looks good in those pants."

"Why, are they tight?"

"Yeah."

"So it's big?"

"No, it's just that I like the way it looks in those pants."

"Meaning you didn't like it yesterday because it was bigger in those other pants?"

Women always think their rear ends are too big. You can depend on that like you can depend on the morning chubby. There's nothing you can say about a woman's butt that doesn't make her suspicious. There are many theories, but I'm certain it's because the derriere is a woman's weakest area. She can't powder it. she can't use concealer. It's actually too far away to reach. She can't really see it well from any angle. It's something women can't control, and they like controlling everything that has anything to do with their appearance.

Men, on the other hand, don't care how their butts look, especially in the morning, when they go outside in their underwear to get the paper. Very few things bother men. But women who don't shave is one. It's too much of a stretch. The guy will start shaving his legs just because someone in the relationship has to be smooth. Women grabbing a guy's love handles is another. Women can be particularly cruel about that. Along with the degradation of a woman manhandling your spare tire, there's actual pain associated with the pinch. Remarks about a man's skin are another. A girl I once danced with said, "God, your pores are so big!" I didn't really need to hear that, did I? Give a woman half a chance and she will shatter a man's confidence in less time than it takes to make love to your wife. And it's always in the form of a question. My wife does this to me all the time., We're getting dressed for a date and she says, "You're going out in that?" "No, this is a pre-outfit. I just wore this to get to the outfit. What do you think I should wear?" "How about the brown shirt with those pants I just bought you?" "Yeah, that's what I planned to wear! I just wore this to get to that outfit." Meanwhile, she has changed her clothes five times. She should understand.

A guy knows he's in love when he wants to grow old with a woman. When he wants to stay with her in the morning. When he doesn't want to leave the house. When he starts calling sex "making love" and afterward wants a great big hug. When he loses interest in his car for a couple days. It's that simple, I swear. So he does what any decent guy would do. He starts, however tentatively, to think about marriage. And that's when it gets really scary.

The hardest thing about marriage is staying married. It has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with money and power. Mostly power. My mother-in-law made me get married. I'd been living with the woman who is now my wife for eight years and one night "Mom" said, "I guess you guys are never going to get married. I mean, you've been through everything together, you're living together, but...oh, forget it." "Oh, well," I said, "put it like that and I'll marry your daughter tomorrow."

Actually, I don't know what we were waiting for, except that for a guy it's never the right time to get married. In our case, I think we were both stalling. I'm also suspicious of any two people who don't struggle with that decision. For instance, I can't imagine meeting someone and getting married days later. I don't know how movie stars do it. Marriage is a big decision. Big enough to procrastinate for almost a decade.

Part of my problem was that I was still lusting in my heart after other ladies. But somehow I knew that I wasn't going to find another woman remotely as great as my soon-to-be-wife. It's a good thing that my mother-in-law eventually spoke up.

A lasting marriage is like a job. And here's the problem with jobs: They're great when you first get them, but about a week into it you realize, "There are a few problems here." Then it gets repetitious and boring. And pretty soon you think that the guy in the next cubicle has a much better job that would suit you just fine. The trick is to get past this.

The first time I dated my wife I envisioned us very old, sitting side by side on a couch. I'll keep the picture in my mind forever. When you're old and ugly you're not really in the mood to go barhopping. The person you're with is about all you're going to get. Believe it or not, this can be a comforting image.

Sometimes the urge to merge with someone else really struggles to get the better of a guy. The urge is not unusual. It's not wrong. It's biology. The male drive to inseminate as many young and attractive women as possible before he passes out from skipping lunch is responsible for the rapid spread of our species and its survival. The trouble is that if you're married and you fool around, and your wife finds out, citing Scientific American works about as well as saying all the guys in your bowling league did it, too. Either way, you can end up sleeping in the front yard.

I love spicy, rich food. I avoid it because it makes me feel both bloated and about to explode. Similarly, although I don't believe that monogamy is a biological truth, particularly for me, I still don't fool around because my wife would put a grenade in my pants. Thats feeling bloated and about to explode. I think about sex all the time. Still. That's the difficult thing about marriage. And that's why I love to discourage young people with my clear picture of marital reality: "If sex is the reason you're getting married, then you shouldn't be getting married. You don't get married just to have sex with the same person. You get married to have a family."

My fantasy is to be able to sleep with whomever I want and still keep my wife. As shocked as you may be, I think I could handle a primary relationship and a few satellite relationships. I also think that if ABC ever resurrected Fantasy Island, I'd be perfect to play Mr. Roarke. Of course, after my wife got through with me, I'd be lucky if I got cast as Tattoo.

Monogamy is possible. Painful, but possible. After a torturous transition period during which a guy has to sort out all these problems for himself, things get better and suddenly extramarital excursions are no longer an issue. This happens when we're about 80, or even earlier, if you count the side effects of the antidepressants or blood pressure medicine. Either way, this stuff is tough for every man.

Does sex change after marriage? Isn't that the silliest question in the world? Of course it does. Only you don't want to tell your single friends the truth, because then no one would get hitched. And you don't want to think abut it much either, because it's just too damn depressing.

The good thing is that reduced frequency just sort of creeps up on you, and stays with you, like midriff bulge. One day your pants are tight, but you know you don't have the time or energy to do anything about it. This is bad, but not as bad as one day realizing, as you're doing it, that two adults crawling all over each other and making funny noises is a ridiculous sight. Somehow you can't quite remember why this stuff ever seemed to damned important, why it drove you nuts and made you do crazy things just to quell that burning sensation.

Don't let this happen to you:

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Me? Look at you!"

I once called a good friend of mine to talk about this, because I was so worried about my libido falling asleep. I didn't exactly know how to broach the subject. so I just blurted it out.

"When you're in bed, how much do you do it?"

He laughed. "Oh, I don't know. Last time must have been four months ago. Maybe five.

"What?"

"I've got three kids and two jobs. You both want to, but the kid comes in, the kid's sick. Every time a Saturday night seems free, something else happens. And all these magazines say you have to dedicate a night. Yeah, well, that's great. It's all good in theory. But if you're mad at your wife--and you're made about, what, 30 percent of the time, or just irritated--then making love is the last thing in the world you want to do. So there are a lot of things working against sex in marriage."

Suddently I realized that marriage was working against sex. Look if we're hungry we eat. If we want to make love bad enough, we do it. But as life goes on and kids come and responsibilities grow, time becomes precious and there's not all that much room to fit in both lovemaking and a couple hours for the little lady to read Cosmo.

Take heart. Marriage can be fun. Wives are women, too, and they can be lots of fun. I love to travel with my wife. Her female sensibilities are so different that I always see the world in new ways. When we're on a trip, we're highly excited, we behave better, the romantic spark that linked us returns, she reads the autobahn and autostrada road maps like a pro. We go to nice hotels, eat great meals, get dressed up, marvel at the wonders of the world. and the wonders of our enduring partnership. If you get away now and then, you can look at your life from a new point of view. It's refreshing. And I'm not just saying this to be nice. If we hadn't had a child, we'd probably never come home. Pretty soon we can take our daughter with us.

I'm sure you realize, I've been speaking in generalizations for comic effect. I've said, "Men are like this and women are like that." But not necessarily. I know men who are like that and women who are like this. I try to stay away from guys who are like that. The older you get, the more you realize there are fewer absolutes in the world and more perspectives. Stereotypes describe the more common occurrences, but not always.

Life before marriage is great. Then one day everyone has to join the real world: jobs, love and settling down. And no more bullshit. The people I knew who didn't settle down are now dead. Imminent death notwithstanding, this doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your ideals. It just means forcing your ideals to mesh with the real world. Once upon a time I thought I could change the world. Now, although I have influenced part of the world we live in, I still come home from work and hope that dinner is on the table. Before the meal, I'll watch TV and gather myself. This is something men do, like the caveman who stared at the fire after a long day hunting. We commune hard with the electronic embers, not wanting to speak with anybody.

Later, after I've talked with the wife and played with the kid and helped clean up the dishes, I'll disappear into my garage workshop, where I can manipulate my own little world to my heart's content. And in there, it's so nice being married.