MaxxMale Book Review
Sam
age:22
The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
1995 Warner Books
#1 New York Times Best Seller List
**** (out of 4)
The Rules can be summed up thusly: If you want to get married, play hard-to-get. Chase no man. Actually, if I was a woman who wanted a husband...any husband, The Rules might make a lot of sense to me. Especially if I was a passive, unimaginative woman with little self confidence. The Rules are about taking no chances, avoiding emotional distress, playing it safe. This concept has obviously been appealing to many women in search of husband material. The Rules might have been written in the last century when women were given no choices. A women in the late 1800s waited until a man showed interest and then played hard-to-get until she got her proposal. This manipulative ploy worked for many a fair maiden at the turn of the Century.
One would think that in the enlightened 1990s this concept would be rejected by liberal emancipated females. After all, shouldn't women be the equal of men in every way? Shouldn't a women be allowed to pursue a man she finds exceptional? Not if you are a rules girl!
Do The Rules Work? Of course they do. But you reap what you sow. It would seem to me that marriages based on The Rules are shaky at best. I would agree that there are many men who can be manipulated into marriage and manipulated into staying married by virtue of these simple precepts. But women have to ask themselves, "Is this the kind of man I really want?"
By a woman protecting herself from emotional distress, she cheats herself out of the chance to reach for the stars. By refusing to put herself "on the line" so to speak, she avoids the humiliation of rejection, but also restricts her circle of suitors to those men most easily manipulated by simple actions.
There is a measure of comfort in reading The Rules. They say, "Relax. Everything is going to be alright. If it was meant to happen, it will. Don't run after your dream. Wait for him to call." I have certainly made the acquaintence of many Rules Girls in my life. When I was very young and very naive, the concept of the unattainable fascinated me. As I grew more knowledgeable, I realized that it was all just a game. That I was dealing with an unimaginative 19th Century female who would bore me silly in a permanent relationship.
On The Positive Side
Many of The Rules make a lot of sense if you do not carry them to a ridiculous extreme. Everyone wants a challenge. No one wants conquest to be too easy. Holding back a little can produce the results you want. The problem is that The Rules carries this concept to a ridiculous extreme.
THE RULES
1) Be A "Creature Unlike Any Other." There are thousands of women practicing The Rules and they are very much like each other.
2) Don't Talk To A Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance). You have just limited yourself to those men who show an interest in you based only upon your appearance and demeanor. If your dream man doesn't jump right up and start pursuing, you may lose out on true happiness with the man of your dreams.
3) Don't Stare at Men or Talk too much. Flirting is an art. It is a powerful tool in a woman's arsenal. Just give it up!
4) Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date. A woman should have the choice of taking the lead when required. Not to do so limits her freedom.
5) Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls. I'm sure this attracts a certain type of man. But is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? And not returning calls can be interpreted as just plain rude.
6) Always end phone calls first. Not a bad idea. Keep them asking for more.
7) Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday. Not being too available is a good idea. No one wants what they can have too easily.
8) Fill up your time before the date. Much like a man masturbating before a date so as to keep himself more in control. It just diminishes the pleasure. Like invitro fertilization!
9) How To Act on Dates 1,2 and 3. A somewhat progressive approach. You allow yourself to feel and show these feelings only after it is totally emotionally safe. While protecting your delicate ego, you deprive yourself of the pleasure of the moment.
10) How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time. The Rules has matrimony as its goal. They don't really work in any other paradigm. They are a way of throwing a <naive> man off balance emotionally so you can coerce him into marriage. Not a great foundation, eh?
11) Always end the date first. More of "too much of a good thing." But this can be very phony. If you are enjoying yourself, why not prolong the pleasure. Again, this might work with certain men, but places severe limitations on a woman's power of choice.
12) Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentines Day. This certainly sums up the way a woman should think of a potential husband. If he fails to fall right in line, drop him. One is as good as another. I just want a husband. What a great foundation for love, a marriage and family!
13) Don't see him more than once or twice a week. Another variation on "less is better." This is especially beneficial to women who have nothing to say. Women who are afraid their suitor will find out that there is just air between their ears.
14) No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date. I agree. No one should appear to be "too easy." No one wants someone anybody can have or has had!
15) Don't rush into Sex and Other rules for Intimacy. See Rule 14.
16) Don't Tell Him What To Do. No. Wait until after you have the license!
17) Let Him Take The Lead. Right Out Of The Last Century.
18) Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him. Amen. But I doubt if many Rules Girls could resist after there is a wedding ring on their finger.
19) Don't open up too fast. Especially if you have nothing to say!
20) Be honest but Mysterious. Is this a 1930s movie from RKO?
21) Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules For Personal Ads. Let him find out later. Much Later.
22) Don't Live With A Man (Or Leave Your Things In His Apartment). Rigid rules are always easier than choice in difficult situations.
23) Don't Date a Married Man. If marriage is your only goal, this makes a lot of sense!
24) Slowly Involve Him In Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children. Bait the trap. He will have plenty of time later to lament his choice.
25) Practice, Practice, Practice! (or getting good at The Rules). Why think? A book can do it all for you. How much easier!
26) Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules. Right. Right up to the time the stupid guy wakes up and realizes this is all a sham.
27) Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts. Avoid any possibility of those who love you pounding some sense into that silly little head.
28) Be Smart and Other Rules For Dating In High School. Are we trying to teach this drivel to teenagers?
29) Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College. There is no excuse for being a Rules Girl if your head has gotten you this far. Why not think for yourself and take a chance?
30) Next! And Other Rules For Dealing with Rejection. Right. One guy is as good as another. As long as he's easy. Next!
31) Don't Discuss The Rules With Your Therapist. See Rule 27.
32) Don't Break the Rules. If you've gotten this far, you won't want to. It is too easy. But you'll wonder where the wonder went.
33) Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Every After! Just like in those Fairy Tales, right?
34) Love Only Those Who Love You. Passivity is getting to be a habit here!
35) Be Easy To Live With. Amen. But Can A Rules Girl ever be easy to live with. What is she to do with all that pent-up aggression?
Wheww! A Lot of Rules. What every happened to spontanaety. Or Fun?
It is easy to trash a book like The Rules. There is so much to hate in it. But it is a fascinating read. Every man with half a brain should read and re-read the rules so he is aware that there are Rules Girls out there. Knowledge is a powerful defense.
In conclusion, The Rules takes a good thing and carries it to it's illogical extreme. Holding back a little can make a man more interested or keep him interested, but do you really want to give up everything you have gained in the past hundred years just to trap husband?
Chip Sommers